MONTREAL - Combatting bullying has become a focal point for educators in the past decade, and naturally the primary intent is to help the child being bullied.

But with terms like zero tolerance on everyone's lips, reaching out to help the bully is often ignored.

That's where the Tolerance Foundation comes in.

The group teaches children about diversity and the dangers of discrimination and bullying.

Facilitator Pierre-Luc Lajoie leads the activity, all the while thinking about his own difficult high school days.

"It felt like being in a jungle," said Lajoie. "It's like the jungle of popularity, the jungle of coolness."

And for a time, Lajoie was the coolest, or at least he tried to be, the only way he knew how.

"When I was in Grade Eight I myself became a bully," said Lajoie.

He wasn't violent, but he was mean, using jokes and insults to degrade other children, day after day, even though he knew it was wrong.

"I am a sensitive guy. But it was second to the desire, the need to be recognized, to be popular, to be funny as hell, even if being popular was harming someone," said Lajoie.


Bullies can use insults to climb social ladder

That's a good description of the average bully, says educational consultant Alissa Sklar, who says bullies are "kids who are somewhere on the social ladder, not at the bottom but they're not the 'it' girl or the top boy and so they often feel very anxious about their social situation."

They may also have self-esteem issues, problems with anger and impulsiveness, developmental problems, or serious conflicts at home.

They can be attention seekers and manipulative but it's not unusual for them to have friends.

"Some of those kids will act out because they're literally social climbing on the backs of other kids," said Sklar.

"Sometimes parents are reluctant to accept this. They'll say 'what do you mean my kid's a bully, they have plenty of friends, they can't be a bully,'" said Sklar.

However other children often befriend the bully so they don't become a target themselves.

In the 21st century, bullying takes place not just at school, but often takes place online, giving victims no safe refuge.

"Because kids are online it's kids you wouldn't normally think of as being bullies," said Sklar, pointing out that a bully doesn't need to be strong enough to punch someone in the face, just skilled enough to leave insults and slurs in an online world.


Many bullies were once victims

For those who think the victims of bullies will always seek justice, think again.

In many cases children who are bullied go on to become bullies themselves.

That was Lajoie's experience after a group of boys tormented him throughout Grade Seven.

"There were places in the school that I would avoid," he recalled.

After a year of intense emotional and physical distress, Lajoie vowed he would never feel that helpless again.

"They were untouchable, I wanted to be untouchable, you know? It was my turn," said Lajoie.


Bullies should face consequences, but not forever

Zero tolerance is held out by many as an effective solution but some believe it's a strategy that's doomed to fail

Without a lesson in conflict resolution children who are expelled from one school just take their problems to the next.

"Expelling is like one of the worst things you can do because then that's the school and the teachers giving up on you. The bullies do need to be part of the solution," said student Stephanie Audet.

"You have to give them a chance to talk because we need to express what's going on. When we don't talk it's because we're scared they won't understand, they won't want to listen," said Jessica Williams.

Sklar says more parents need to pay attention to their children not just for signs they are a victim, but to see if they are raising a bully.

In all of the bullying workshops I have done I have had many parents ask me how they keep their kids safe from bullying but I have never had a single parent come up to me and say how do I know if my kid is a bully," said Sklar. "Now obviously bullies have parents."

"Those kids, sometimes they are lost and they have to learn how to interact," said Lajoie.

15 years ago Pierre Luc was told to ignore his bullies and they'd leave him alone.

They didn't., so he began to bully to build himself up.

He knows now it could have been so different.

"I think honestly the thing I would have needed the most is time, and a place to be able to talk with other kids," said Lajoie.

It's a strong reminder that adults also have to play fair and focus their efforts not only on the bullied, but on the bullies as well.


The City of Côte Saint-Luc is hosting an anti-bullying workshop on Tuesday, March 27, 2012 from 6:30 pm to 8 pm at the Aquatic and Community Centre (5794 Parkhaven Ave.).