'It doesn't really erase the damage': Residential school survivor still unsure if she'll attend Pope's visit

Warning: This story contains details of child abuse and residential schools

The Pope will be arriving in Quebec on Wednesday, and while many Indigenous communities have travelled far to attend the mass he'll lead, others are refusing to participate.

They say the visit doesn't do enough to heal the wounds caused by residential schools or help survivors.

Ruth Maloney Loft is one of those survivors. For seven years, she lived every day in fear.

Forced to attend Shubenacadie Residential School in Nova Scotia, she was convinced she wouldn't make it out alive one night after wetting the bed.

"I remember one night the nuns could have killed me," she said. "She said, 'Get in the bathroom.' Well, when they say that, you know what that means, right? So I'm in the bathroom, and I'm waiting… and I know what's going to happen. So the anxiety is setting in, and the fear. She comes in and starts beating me at 3 o'clock in the morning."

Loft was five years old.

She said the discovery of hundreds of graves at residential school sites, which prompted the Pope's visit, shook her to the core.

"How did they end up there in unmarked graves? Where are the parents?" she said. "That could have happened to me."

THe Kahnawake resident is still deciding if she will attend the papal events in Quebec, but said the first step of an apology is important.

"That meant a lot for me as a survivor," she said. "Those words… he was sorry," adding, "It doesn't really erase the damage that was done to us."
 

Ruth Maloney Loft lives in Kahnawake, QC but attended the Schebenacadie Indian Residential School in NS. She says at just 5-years-old she endured abuse and wants to shed light on what happened to her and others. Warning: the details are disturbing. @CTVMontreal pic.twitter.com/NtFQ5cVprp

— Kelly Greig (@KellyGreig) July 26, 2022

Others are refusing to attend the events.

The Cree community of Chisasibi, currently undergoing an investigation into possible graves near two residential schools on its territory, will not be sending a delegation to meet with Pope Francis in the provincial capital.

Chief Daisy House of the Cree Nation of Chisasibi said the community opted instead to focus on local healing and traditional activities.

On Tuesday, at the basilica where the Pope will lead mass, many First Nations attended celebrations for the feast of St. Anne.

Some wore orange shirts to remember the children who never came home.

One of those victims was Remy Awashish's cousin, whom he never had the chance to meet.

"It's a big step towards reconciliation to hear the Pope apologize," said Awashish, a residential school survivor. "But on the other hand, it's up to each person to decide if they want to accept that apology."

Some of the residential school survivors who attended mass in St-Anne-de-Beaupre say the papal visit is difficult, but it forces them to reconcile their faith with what happened at the hands of the Catholic Church.

"We have to learn to live with the wounds that were inflicted on us," said survivor Charles Jean-Pierre. "We have to cope and move forward."

Grand Chief Remy Vincent of the Huron-Wendat Nation in nearby Wendake nation plans to attend the mass and emphasizes it is important for the Pope to see the faces of those who have suffered.

"There are people who want to go to see the pope, but there are others who are going because they want the pope to see them," he said.           

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If you are a former residential school survivor in distress, or have been affected by the residential school system and need help, you can contact the 24-hour Indian Residential Schools Crisis Line: 1-866-925-4419

Additional mental-health support and resources for Indigenous people are available here.